//You scar me and call yourself a healer I cry myself to sleep at night thinking it might eventually get better, only for you to put the baggage of your ‘humour’ (read: insecurities) on my shoulders. I pretend to stifle a ‘scoff’ (read: sob) as i try to pass you by being dumbfounded and laughed at and my shoulders feel numb and tears threaten to fall. You push me to a dark corner i can’t retreat back from. With your hand around my neck i can’t seem to find my voice, I want to breathe, you’re choking me.
// I want to breathe, you’re choking me I can’t seem to find my voice with your hand around my neck. You push me to a dark corner i can’t retreat back from and my shoulders feel numb and tears threaten to fall, being dumbfounded and laughed at. As i try to pass you by, i pretend to stifle a ‘scoff’ (read: sob) only for you to put the baggage of your ‘humour’ (read: insecurities) on my shoulders. Thinking it might eventually get better, Lord knows how i cry myself to sleep at night. Yet, you scar me and call yourself a healer?
I lay awake at 3:07 in the morning I groan and wonder should i sleep? Can I sleep? I want to paint that one image I have in my mind for days But I can’t make myself to do so The colours on my palette seem to annoy me, i can’t look at them Yet I get up and reach for my brushes They feel so fragile and satiny between my fingers Like they might slip away just like my peace and resolve, So I hold them tight.
I stare at the blank canvas with unblinking eyes the crisp white acrylic paper looks unnerving. It isn’t the darkness in my room weighing down on my shoulders but the nothingness from the blank canvas that aggravates me. My thoughts are blurring out, Still I am able to make out indistinct letters in between the crease lines of the blank white paper.
Those letters seem to mock me For being a let down, for hating everything i am not supposed to, for being unappreciative of the people that still hold on to me. My head aches severely Lord, how I wish I could cry! But my tears probably have dried out. I want to scream but all that falls from my lips is a faint sigh, I wince at the sound of my own voice.
You see, anxiety is too chaotic, it fogs my senses but I don’t let it loosen my grip on my brushes I hold them, tight. There might me creases on the paper but my strokes are as smooth as silk. I can delineate my way through this nothingness into something graceful, I just get lost sometimes, Only to find myself back through fine strokes and elegant colours. I can flawlessly blend the crease lines with my hues to make them appear almost non-existing, I am skilled at it. So, you see it gets blue around me sometimes yet i paint the canvas pink.
To start with, “depression is not a trend.” Mental illness is not fun, it feels like being underwater and not knowing which direction to swim to get back to the surface. There is a fine line of difference between sadness and depression, nervousness and anxiety. I hate how flippantly the words anxiety and depression are used mostly among youngsters in both real life and on social media. Is it truly necessary to accompany your normal and happy looking pictures online, with a self-degrading caption? Or tweeting a “my life sucks” now and then without any reason? Social media isn’t about pretending to be all sad online. It is stupid and just takes the actual meaning out of mental illness, so when someone does have a proper mental illness, it goes ignored and unnoticed.
People who fake depression are selfish. They are not only annoying and disrespectful towards truly depressed people, but what they’re doing is actually harmful. For people with proper mental illnesses this “trendiness” of such serious issues can be highly offensive. If you were to say that you were sad for a day so you must have depression or that you were really nervous so that you must have anxiety is almost like making anxiety and depression less serious that it actually is. Depression isn’t about being sad because your favourite TV show character died or the ‘true love and heartbreak’ drama we get to see among 13 year olds these days. Anxiety isn’t always being nervous. It is so much more than that also it isn’t the same for everyone. And the fact that there are a bunch of attention-seeking people who have the audacity to joke about mental health makes me sick. People like them are joking about a mental illness that several even lose their life over. And all this for mere likes, stupid trends and attention?
The whole point of why I am writing this is to let you know that it is necessary to call out the “trends” of anxiety and depression. It is not childish and acceptable and no excuse can be given to justify it. But between all these absurd trendiness, people who have valid experience may get confused whether what they feel is for real or it’s just them overthinking or doing it for attention. This is harmful and can deteriorate one’s health by all means. If you are struggling definitely ask for help and don’t feel guilty for wondering what you are dealing with is clinical or not. Whether it’s a therapist, someone you trust, a health care provider or social media, it’s okay but you shouldn’t let the idea of using these conditions as trendiness, get in the way of seeking help if you feel you need it. And whether or not you actually have depression please try to be more patient and understanding with yourself. It can be hard but atleast you should try. We all have hard days and it’s entirely upto you how you try and make yourself feel better but by any means glorifying intense topics such as mental health with absurd refrences shouldn’t be one of them. Depression isn’t cute and it’s definitely not a personality. Just be happy to be who you are and reach out to people who are in a dark place. Try to be more acceptable or the least you can do is not pretend to have stuffs you actually don’t. So remember folks, it’s cool to NORMALISE anxiety, depression etc. but NOT ROMANTICIZE.
Lastly, • I do not suffer from depression and anxiety, so these opinions are from an outside perspective. • If anyone with these conditions think I said something incorrect please let me know ! • My intentions aren’t to offend or disrespect someone, it’s just my opinion of how mental illness is absurdly trendised these days and which is so not right. • All you can do is try and do what’s best for yourself and your mental health. Be compassionate towards yourself and others. Thank you.
ink and ashes 